I write far more eloquently than I speak.

Not always – the longer I’ve known you for, the more likely it is that my brain has wired a path for me to follow in order to communicate with you effortlessly – but in general. Being interrupted can derail me in fairly easily in non-professional settings (it’s as if there’s a switch somewhere inside of me that can flip into the ‘off’ setting the second it determines that my livelihood is not in danger).

There are few simple things that make me happier than banter, whether written or out loud. Something about a rapid-fire back and forth, especially when it’s the kind of unexpectedly funny that makes you laugh alone to yourself later on, brings me insurmountable joy. I’ve made many friends this way.

And yet somehow I find myself stuttering and fidgeting and faltering in face-to-face conversation. My brain knows exactly what it is that I want to say and my mouth simply will not cooperate. And the longer it goes on for, the worse it becomes.

It’s not important what’s going on inside my head, just that it is a lot.

It’s not always about making friends, and it’s not always bad – I’m sure that more often than not it isn’t even noticeable to others. Sometimes it’s just… strange.

Like when I assume that everyone will understand my often incomprehensible sense of humor that grew in a vortex of internet fads and memes that burnt out faster than comet trails.

When I point at a crumpled paper bag tumbling down the side of the road and say “me”.

When I say “okay love you bye!” to the IT guy on the phone (and he says it back instinctively).

When the nurse doing my labs struggles to find a good vein and my reaction catches her off guard:

As I’ve grown older (and so believe me, I am eager to see how the trend continues) I have found it easier to let silences drag on.

It’s not always possible; sometimes professionalism requires a grin-and-bear-it approach that doesn’t allow for non-responsiveness. Sometimes those around you are so resistant to silence that they will push you to fill it in whatever way you can.

Sometimes silence is uncomfortable.

But more often, it’s not.

The more comfortable you are with yourself, the more comfortable people tend to be around you. And if you’re comfortable with silence, with simply coexisting in a space together sometimes, you may find your relationships have grown stronger for it.

And as a bonus, that newfound comfort brings with it an ability to remove yourself from situations without feeling the need for half-arsed excuses.

And that is pretty freeing.


5 thoughts on “Silence

  1. No longer vibing, identifying this and doing something about it is important and I hope to someday get there. Love it ❤️

  2. Big, big fan of your sketches! You make me laugh out loud, literally. “Guess I don’t have any blood!” ?Can’t wait to keep reading!

  3. I get it! Although, I tend to break the silence more often than others, I figure that’s the best way to get to know people! You are very eloquent writing down your feelings and i enjoyed reading this blog ! Looking forward to reading more!

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